Note on notes

Clouded thoughts make interesting quotes.

After searching through several old and recent notebooks I discovered a slightly amusing note that I had written a short while after my last relationship ended.

The note itself is not amusing in the slightest however, the amusing part was the way in which I had written this note. I had just ended a serious relationship with a man I was within days of signing papers to buy our dream house together with before realising, rather epiphany-like, that I wasn’t meant to be with him. At the time of writing this aforementioned note I was contemplating the possibility of throwing myself back into the strong arms of a man that I had been in a relationship with before my last one began.

The person I went to about the confusion I was putting myself through in this was A – of course. I explained to A how my life would look with C, my ex-ex I suppose, and how much I knew that he adored me and would take care of me and that I wouldn’t ever be belittled by him or pushed down, important after my last relationship.

When telling A about C she listened patiently and occasionally swooned over each story I had of him, including the one in which I recently crashed his brand new BMW rather spectacularly into a bush while he laughed it off and joked about it reminding him that he needed to renew his life insurance. She adored how I spoke of him and to be quite honest I surprised myself with how much I actually adore him too as I don’t have a single bad thing to say about him, he really is an unbelievably fantastic guy. However, and I can’t exactly put my finger on why other than I just know, he’s not for me. A asked if I perhaps felt I didn’t think I deserved to be treated the way I knew he would treat me, and I knew as she was saying it that it wasn’t that, he’s just not the guy for me, as amazing as he is and as much as I’m not entirely sure why – he’s fantastic ‘on paper’ for me.

I should also state here that while contemplating all of this I was, as my previous post informs, fully aware that I will allow nothing to prevent me from going on my next adventure which, all being well, will begin in a matter of months. Therefore, while speaking with A and thinking afterwards, I was in a gentle boxing match with my morals as I didn’t, and don’t, want to play with the heart-strings of anyone especially knowing I am leaving. Anything that began now would be for just months at a maximum, which isn’t fair to either.

But while giving the idea of being with C serious thought I wrote down the following note – and the amusing part for myself as I flicked through all of my old notes featuring various mini-dramas and peaceful observations was that I wrote it as if I was with him and was writing my thoughts while in the new relationship; a style of writing that I had never done before. In this note I had already chosen him and was exploring my thoughts. It gave me a clearer head however so it might be worth looking into whenever anyone is feeling similarly conflicted (just a little note from the author for you there).

“I consciously threw myself into a loving-feeling again. I am fully capable of loving anyone; my gift to others and my curse on myself, and I knew I could love him, as I could love anyone. And so I did. For a few months at least. I allowed myself to cheapen my heart, for want of a better word, in order to dispel loneliness and boredom. It wasn’t fair on either of us. I used him and his heart the way everyone fears their heart to be used. And I did so consciously. Everyone should allow themselves nothing less than fireworks, butterflies, excitement, passion – to settle for anything less is to cheapen your soul. You are preventing thunderstorms and fires. And that’s just dull. Always wait for that passion you adore. The one who makes your heart smile and skip and sing when you see them, get a text or call from them. Don’t settle for anything less than you deserve to be happy. Because if they don’t make you that happy, then the point is..?”

It is fairly obvious to see where my thoughts were just after I wrote and read this note.

I am not with him. And after writing these thoughts down and viewing them as simply words on a page in front of me, ignoring the fact that they were my words and instead viewing them as if someone else had written them, I knew that for the time being, for the next few months and for the duration of my adventure to come, I am to remain solo.

And I can say with a genuine smile on my face and with complete honesty that once I realised this it made each day a lot less cloudy, and every day since much easier to navigate..

xxHBxx

Is beauty the bell?

Beauty or other..?

While contemplating a future that consists of travel, adventure and complete freedom of creativity it is perhaps noteworthy to state that this will be beginning towards the end of the young ‘prime’. An age of youth and beauty, and at a time when peers are contemplating careers in their chosen – or some ‘fallen into’ – fields. The invisible pressure to settle down and create the roots of a future foundation has never unveiled itself to be something of an issue or desire until, while calculating the amount of years it would take to do one adventure and how many it may be for the second, the age in which it would appear the ‘ready to settle down’ theory would come into play was a larger number than originally thought of. It would seem once all of this ‘me time’ were out of the way the final destination to be thrown into the beginning of reality would be an age that will not be disclosed but will be stressed that it would appear youth and presumably any beauty would have been all used up. These years of beauty, as it were, would therefore have been spent embracing and exploring youth but not necessarily planning or aiding the ideal of how a ‘real’ future should look.

The question of whether or not this is necessarily a bad thing has sprung to mind like an arrogant child screaming a thousand answers into the wind but the alternative question, created purely from outside influence and perspective, of whether or not something will be missing or that something would have been missed in doing this has also appeared from around the corner landing straight at the back of the head. The possibility is that in later years it could be considered these years of presently-unknown adventures had been wasted ones when turning up alone to another friends’ children’s party, or to wedding anniversary milestone dinners. One day envy could appear while viewing their normality the way they currently envy these less-than-conventional plans. Suddenly the fear of missing out demon wants to cling onto its niggling need to be prominent in daily plans. Days in which every detail will be orchestrated peacefully to be fresh and exciting for the amusement of self and self alone. This fear doesn’t want to just stick with the people I would consider to be missing out by not following my lead it seems, they’ve left traces of it with me.

However, in spite of this immediate plans won’t be changed due to these ‘back of the head’ thoughts; Victory number One. Nothing will stand in the way of the first adventure, that much is a given. Although it is a possibility that the second adventure, should these thoughts persist, could be changed or altered, simply cut short in order to leave open the possibility that the fear of missing out on conventional living could become greater than the fear of missing out on true adventure while I’m living.

Baring this in mind one quote remains with the greatest strength right next to the fear of missing out demon like an angel and a devil in each ear; “Your biggest risk will be the one you don’t take.” Perhaps the jump in and see how deep it is technique may be the less wise one here, but if not me then who…

xxHBxx

Past & Present Perceptions

Out of the night comes light.

Yesterday, while being in the company of A, I made a decision about how I am perceived. I have, as all of us do, sides to me that compliment and sides to me that conflict. It is up to me alone to let certain sides of myself shine brighter than the others. This is reflected by the company I keep and the surroundings in which I choose to place myself. So I made a decision to start afresh. The social media empire lured me into its attractive and new world six years ago. Learning as I went along through those years since is fully accessible to all I meet now. I realise I cannot change my past, and since it made me arrive at my present I wouldn’t dream of it, but I can change my present. The way in which I’m perceived now is something I have full control over. So I created a new social media page, selecting my few photos, words and friends carefully. One friend asked why I hadn’t simply removed photos, comments and friends from my old page, which might seem like the obvious choice, but since my actions in creating the new page were not to ‘get rid’ of items and anecdotes from my past (and certainly not photos, as cringeworthy as they may be) I didn’t want to tamper with that. My past created my present but I don’t need it to be in my present. So I chose to create a new page. My old one will remain open, so that the people from my past can remain a part of my present but only a part of it for now. I have chosen the people on my new page with care and for different reasons as to why I want them to see the ‘present’ me as it seems.

While sending brief explanations to my friends as to why I appeared to have a sudden twin asking to add them again on the media site I received a message from an old friend that I had recently bumped into after five years of not seeing each other. We hadn’t avoided each other, our paths just simply stopped crossing for a few years but on this particular night they did. After giving him my reasons for the new page he sent me a message which stated ‘I hadn’t seen you in years and you are still the same grounded down to earth girl I remember from then, I really enjoyed seeing you…really enjoyed listening to your plans for the USA, you’re so passionate it was invigorating’ I wasn’t expecting any response other than ‘yes your past was a little crazier than your present so I get why you’ve done this’ but this friend of mine didn’t care about the little silly things I had on my page, the silly photos or bad holiday snaps from when I still carried my uni weight, he just remembered the girl from back then as she was to him. Receiving this message was like someone handing me a slice of cake, my favourite book, a cup of tea, a blanket and telling me they will always love me then kissing me on my forehead. That feeling of warmth was the sweetest and kindest and most unexpected. I adored him more for his words to me. He was a good friend then and still is after years apart. Not judging, simply just accepting and loving.

He obviously made the cut onto my new page, how could anyone not choose a friend from their past like that to share their present with.

xxHBxx

How to spend a free-day

One girl, many thoughts, no words.

At this current moment in time I am awaiting a short journey to see the most incredible girl I have met so far in my life; my best friend A. Exactly a year ago I made this same journey to her for the first time in five years; in that year she’s returned from paradise at the other side of the world into another paradise – the arms of her first love, she has become engaged to her first love in the most romantic proposal I have ever heard of – more romantic and intimate than most love stories we’re shown by actors of this era, and she has created and mastered a business that is thriving each day, of which she only created 6 months ago. In itself these factors alone are incredible, inspiring and full of human power, however knowing A the way I do, the way only a friendship nurtured and cared for each day over weeks months and years can know, I am more inspired by her than of anyone I have ever known and anyone I anticipate meeting in my future. A has lived at rock bottom. She has struggled to breathe and to speak. She has been pushed down by others more than I had known a year ago. She has been bruised and hurt and lost, and she stands before the world a powerful human with more strength and passion than anyone I see in my life.

A is my spiritual guru, or at least that’s how I view her. We don’t really talk of religion (not as such) – her views differ from mine, but that has never been an issue to either of us. She accepts and embraces my views on the world, through my experiences, and I do hers. We have lived entirely different lives in entirely different worlds and we listen. But I view her as my spiritual guru all the same. No religion attached, she is there to keep me balanced – as I put it. She listens patiently to my struggles and thoughts and stories and when I’m done she talks to me, breaks through my walls and tells me her thoughts. Never judging or belittling are her thoughts. Her words are never words of hate or negativity, she seems to simply show a new light on a situation – whatever the situation.

A few weeks ago I went to her feeling off balanced and inspite of her work schedule she took a day to be with me. Like I had done 7 months ago when she felt similarly off-balanced (again, my word, not hers). Today neither of us are arriving imbalanced – except perhaps for footwear, today we meet to cement our friendship in another form, a simple day of talking and catching up.

It’s the best way I can possibly think to spend my free Saturday. I have never left her company anything but happy.

I hope others choose their friends and their days off in the same way. To spend them happy, however that may be.

xxHBxx

Hello world!

Hello world indeed! Well let’s start with a Hi, and welcome to hopeberry world! Forgiveness is needed for being new to the world of blogging, as you will no doubt see with adolescent posting errors to come, but let me start with a slightly brief introduction. My thoughts are important to me, as are everyone’s, and having always had an interest in blogging – without ever actually creating one – I thought it was as good a time as ever to do just that. I hope to choose my words carefully and thoughtfully, and to explore my thoughts as I go along (see, all about my thoughts). All feedback will be greatly appreciated as being new to this means direction will help.

Well thanks for reading that bit.

Happy reading xHBx