Note on notes

Clouded thoughts make interesting quotes.

After searching through several old and recent notebooks I discovered a slightly amusing note that I had written a short while after my last relationship ended.

The note itself is not amusing in the slightest however, the amusing part was the way in which I had written this note. I had just ended a serious relationship with a man I was within days of signing papers to buy our dream house together with before realising, rather epiphany-like, that I wasn’t meant to be with him. At the time of writing this aforementioned note I was contemplating the possibility of throwing myself back into the strong arms of a man that I had been in a relationship with before my last one began.

The person I went to about the confusion I was putting myself through in this was A – of course. I explained to A how my life would look with C, my ex-ex I suppose, and how much I knew that he adored me and would take care of me and that I wouldn’t ever be belittled by him or pushed down, important after my last relationship.

When telling A about C she listened patiently and occasionally swooned over each story I had of him, including the one in which I recently crashed his brand new BMW rather spectacularly into a bush while he laughed it off and joked about it reminding him that he needed to renew his life insurance. She adored how I spoke of him and to be quite honest I surprised myself with how much I actually adore him too as I don’t have a single bad thing to say about him, he really is an unbelievably fantastic guy. However, and I can’t exactly put my finger on why other than I just know, he’s not for me. A asked if I perhaps felt I didn’t think I deserved to be treated the way I knew he would treat me, and I knew as she was saying it that it wasn’t that, he’s just not the guy for me, as amazing as he is and as much as I’m not entirely sure why – he’s fantastic ‘on paper’ for me.

I should also state here that while contemplating all of this I was, as my previous post informs, fully aware that I will allow nothing to prevent me from going on my next adventure which, all being well, will begin in a matter of months. Therefore, while speaking with A and thinking afterwards, I was in a gentle boxing match with my morals as I didn’t, and don’t, want to play with the heart-strings of anyone especially knowing I am leaving. Anything that began now would be for just months at a maximum, which isn’t fair to either.

But while giving the idea of being with C serious thought I wrote down the following note – and the amusing part for myself as I flicked through all of my old notes featuring various mini-dramas and peaceful observations was that I wrote it as if I was with him and was writing my thoughts while in the new relationship; a style of writing that I had never done before. In this note I had already chosen him and was exploring my thoughts. It gave me a clearer head however so it might be worth looking into whenever anyone is feeling similarly conflicted (just a little note from the author for you there).

“I consciously threw myself into a loving-feeling again. I am fully capable of loving anyone; my gift to others and my curse on myself, and I knew I could love him, as I could love anyone. And so I did. For a few months at least. I allowed myself to cheapen my heart, for want of a better word, in order to dispel loneliness and boredom. It wasn’t fair on either of us. I used him and his heart the way everyone fears their heart to be used. And I did so consciously. Everyone should allow themselves nothing less than fireworks, butterflies, excitement, passion – to settle for anything less is to cheapen your soul. You are preventing thunderstorms and fires. And that’s just dull. Always wait for that passion you adore. The one who makes your heart smile and skip and sing when you see them, get a text or call from them. Don’t settle for anything less than you deserve to be happy. Because if they don’t make you that happy, then the point is..?”

It is fairly obvious to see where my thoughts were just after I wrote and read this note.

I am not with him. And after writing these thoughts down and viewing them as simply words on a page in front of me, ignoring the fact that they were my words and instead viewing them as if someone else had written them, I knew that for the time being, for the next few months and for the duration of my adventure to come, I am to remain solo.

And I can say with a genuine smile on my face and with complete honesty that once I realised this it made each day a lot less cloudy, and every day since much easier to navigate..



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