Looking back to smile at Now

With a smile on my face I’m back to my notebooks.

After a busy few weeks, and a much needed lazy weekend resting my blister-ridden feet caused by a self-inflicted but blissfully happy nonstop four hours walking around London two days ago, I found myself today back at my notebooks.

Now with the best intentions I will state I am not going to write about my notebooks in every post, but for today – and my last post – they’re in.

This particular notebook in mind, neatly waiting for a pen on my bedside table every day, is the smallest but most purposeful. Several of my notebooks contain themes; there is the ‘quotebook’ – famous, random and friends’ silly, insightful and sometimes too ridiculous not to write down quotes, my adventure-planning book – currently the most overused, the general thoughts book – in fact I have three of these (I figured a blog might save at lease one tree from my thoughts), the one in which I write letters to my first love since his death a few years ago, and then there is the small one by my bed. This notebook began while questioning the direction my life was heading during my last relationship. I believed I was happy at the time but was aware, if only in a something’s not quite right way, that it didn’t entirely fit. Looking back now, and reading each notebook entry during that final year, I am realising I wasn’t – and couldn’t have been – happy simply because it just didn’t fit right. That relationship became a three year old’s coat worn on a five year old, I couldn’t comfortably wear it anymore and should have taken it off a while before I eventually did.

The opening page of this small notebook sets out six questions to myself for my life. Each delicate question shows how unhappy I was during that period that I was seeking external answers from myself. Reading them for the first time in months it felt like each word was crying onto the page with a gentle pleading for that light to appear to me. So much so that I cant quite believe I hadn’t realised it at the time; but then again we rarely do.

Now I’m not sure the light is at its brightest yet, but it certainly is shining in front of me now – (says the author with a smile).

One extract that could also be interpreted for my journey through this blog states;
“Here lies my journey, through these pages, of my discovery. If I write it down, I might see between the lines, see what I want from my life. And if I don’t discover it, at the end of this book, then I’m not sure, but I may be closer to my way by doing so.”

Reading between each line from each entry today gives me more smiles than I thought it could. It is true that you never quite know if you’ve made the right decision until you completely remove yourself from that scenario and look back at it. It’s like that saying (altered so much that I’m not quite sure which is the original version anymore) goes ‘day by day nothing seems to change but then you look back and everything is different’.

My days don’t feel too different now except for the smile on my face, which is quite frankly the only change worth noting.

xxHBxx

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