The two week epiphany…
Having debated over the past two weeks on whether or not to write this post I decided to throw caution to the wind and, with my last post firmly rooted in mind, reveal a side of myself that I am not proud of.
Before beginning I would like to emphasise, underline, and ask for light forgiveness about one character trait of myself that I despise but occasionally reluctantly indulge in despite my best and strongest intentions.
Going back on my word is not something I do often or that I am without conscience when doing so. In fact I am all-too aware when I do engage in this betrayal of self, however over the past few weeks I have done just that. It began with a catch-up lunch and is now currently floating around limbo gently seeking a light, a clue, a ladder out of there.
A few months ago I made a bold and empowering personal decision to remain solo until and during my next adventure. I made this decision knowing my own happiness, my needs and dreams, and certainly knowing I am completely focused on my adventures – of which I am still completely and utterly focused on, that fact will not change no matter what else of my word I may go back on. And yet I have slipped back into the strong arms of C again.
To read my previous post on C would show how much of my word I have in fact gone back on, but (now believe me I am shaking my head and trying not to laugh at myself as I write these words) it’s different this time. The cliche is unbearable.
I have had an incredible battle around this topic for the past few weeks, not just the fact of going back on my word but also the knowledge that I am leaving in eight months to go on my adventure. C knows I am leaving and stated, during one of my this-wont-work moments, that he could handle it, that we could Skype, and that he could come out to see me at various points of my adventure to which I informed him that my adventure is for myself alone and that I am not wanting anyone to come out to see me on it, as harsh as that may come across.
I attempted several times to end our new relationship only to realise I didn’t want to. This was, at least, until I had a nightmare. This nightmare was the sort you can’t just pass off as eating too much cheese before bed or reading an odd book during that day, it was rooted, deeply rooted within me. When I pulled myself out of it I immediately went on as many dream websites I could type my way into, searching for meanings in the madness. I found them.
Now I won’t tell you my dream exactly because I know how dull and confusing it can be to have to sit through a person wanting your help in interpreting a dream they can barely describe themselves but I will state a few profound factors.
The main factor of this nightmare was that myself and ‘my boyfriend’ were being chased by zombies in the night; not original by any means but zombies are my biggest fear in dream-world, they always show up in nightmares and never leave me anything less than terrified when I wake. Next is a scene that is more shocking to say aloud than it was in the nightmare; we are in a kitchen, I grab a knife – to defend against the zombies – and hand a knife to ‘my boyfriend’. He then starts to play around and pretend to joust with me with the knife, so I stab him (there’s not really an easy way to write that so I’m just going to continue, it gets worse), he falls backwards while saying “I was only joking” into the arms of two zombies. I then open the kitchen door into the garden and a zombie falls into the kitchen, I behead her (I said it got worse), and run out of the door.
As I am running, believing the two zombies that got ‘my boyfriend’ are still chasing me, it becomes dawn. I look back and am a good clear distance from the house with nothing chasing me anymore, I keep running straight as it becomes daylight and as I am running I pulled myself out of the dream.
Apparently, if the dream websites are to be believed, I have a fear of being overpowered and that I am being overly defensive, however they also state that I am entering a new stage of my life with a desire for inner exploration and self discovery along with going through a period of personal growth in which I am feeling complete freedom and happiness.
Straight after this nightmare I decided to end my new relationship with C, believing I was simply too confused and confusing to be anything but single right now, for my own health and happiness. Unfortunately I decided this a little late as, by this time, C had already developed stronger feelings for me than he had in our last relationship and I in turn, it transpired, had done the same. When telling C why I didn’t think we should be together, stating my dream like a madwoman clutching at straws, he agreed we should possibly quit while we were ahead as he sweetly said ‘I think if I spent much more time with you I’d find it hard to walk away in July’.
Our friendship pact lasted exactly one day. We were already in too deep by this point.
There is a quote (isn’t there always) from a book I read a few years ago that has stuck with me; Living too much in ones head can be dangerous. The next eight months may be the most romantic, loving, heartbreakingly sweet months I could think to spend before my adventure – or alternatively they could be just another lesson in my textbook, the only way I’m ever going to find out is to keep calm and basically just carry on. What will be will be.
I may leave for my adventure with tears in my eyes at what I’m leaving behind and a smile on my face at what I have to come in front of me, or I could leave another way entirely. The only thing I am certain of is that I am leaving, all the bits in between are just lessons and loves. As long as I’m still smiling I’m pretty sure I’m doing life right…