Primary Problem

I loved primary school…when I was 5. 

When I was 5, I went to a park with some friends from my little group of friends, but three of our friends didn’t want to come.

The next day two were mad at us for leaving them out and spent the entire day ignoring us then yelled at us after school for this. Which might sound silly, but we were 5. 

No, wait, we were 27. It was after work. And this was yesterday. 

After last week’s trifector of shite I needed a weekend with friends to not be alone with my thoughts. Fearing I’d eat them, and everything else. 

I was originally only spending Saturday/Sunday with one friend, but after my breakdown on Friday, another friend asked if she could stay at mine after our work drinks. 

Saturday I was meeting our friend, I’ll call her T, for less confusion there, so my overnight friend came too. 

Our other single friend had no plans at that time in the day so decided to join us in dying my hair pink again. 

On this hot as hell day we went to a park first and had lunch, then went to T’s house to dye my hair. 

We had no clue this was a battle cry we’d initiated. 

In our ‘group’, only three members weren’t there. All have boyfriends/husband. All had plans. All knew we were meeting up. 

The singles arrived at work oblivious to the fact we were now public enemy to two of the girls. And the other girl, fuck I just love this girl, laughed as hard as I did when we found out why they were mad. 

Without meaning to be bitches, we had now become the poster children for it, in the two’s eyes. 

How DARE we leave them out. 

How MEAN of us to not tell them we were going to a park for 2 hours because it turned out to be a hot day. 

How INCONSIDERATE of us to tag our location on social media. Our intention obviously being a middle finger in their direction, of course. 

No. How fucking PATHETIC this argument was. 

Seriously, we’re twenty-fucking-seven, give or take. 

I found it funny until I realised T didn’t. In fact, it was almost entirely aimed at her. Their argument was that this wasn’t the first time. The first time what?! That we hung out outside of work and you didn’t want to join us until you saw we had fun anyway?! Then got mad at being “left out”?! The first time we spontaneously did things because we were all free and had nothing else to do but you were busy and had told us you didn’t want to hang out?! Yep. Because we’re 5 again now. 

I was planning a BBQ for that day but none could come due to commitments (T has a child, and had to be home by 5) so I planned to go to hers and us dye my hair instead. Rather than us both be alone. 

My overnight friend is arguing with her boyfriend so she didn’t want to go home and came to mine the night before, then figured why not to hanging out longer. 

Our other friend really didn’t want to hang out with the friends she’d made plans with so decided to have a cover story to not go. 

And we ended up in a park on a hot day – unplanned, we were all in jeans!! 

The two P’d off girls were, respectively, packing all weekend to move house, and studying and spending the weekend with her boyfriend who had been away all week. 

Our (awesome) friend had plans with other friends. 

So, that’s the war we, clearly intentionally, provoked. 

After last week, I thought I’m damned if I let people punish me for their feelings. It’s repeating my own reactions to accommodate their behaviour, and it got me fuck all in an entire year so fuck that. 

I am described a lot as polite, sweet, caring, kind, and apparently this means weak pushover. 

Today I removed myself from the drama and did my own thing at lunch (like my internet banking and organising the flowers I send to my ex’s Mum every year on the anniversary of his death). Evidently, I’ve pissed them off more by not “moving past” the argument after they had their laughable say. 

I simply thought, ‘go fuck yourself’ I have more to do than hope you like me today. 

I’ve not had an apology for being told off for hanging out without them, and I’ve been talked about all day as having a problem. My problem is I took this crap for too long. That’s my problem. 

I took my boss’ abuse for too long so she thought she owned me. I took their pathetic jealousy for too long and they thought they owned my weekends. 

My new problem is how to be true to me and never let this shit be repeated. 

Instead of worrying if they’ll speak to me tomorrow, like the safety net of my social life depends on it, I just won’t. I choose that thought. I choose no safety net. I choose standing up for myself even in the most pathetic of situations I’m placed in. I choose me. 

And if that makes me a bitch in the eyes of others, then their opinion can remain on the side of the road I chose not to walk on. 

I give respect to others when it’s earned (earnt? earned?! Whatever.), and I take that respect back and place it rightly within me when it hasn’t been deserving of that person. You won’t see it again. 

My primary problem now, is seeing that this guides me well.  

xxHBxx

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