You know that thing you’re not meant to do, especially when you’re feeling that way, and have those thoughts running riot; well…
I did it. I did the one thing you’re not meant to do when you’re 29, having a rough time and have been officially single for the last 4 years; I looked up my high school classmates.
How the actual fuck did my high school bullies find someone to date them let alone marry them?!?
How do they have solid relationships and children now!?!
To confuse matters, I don’t envy the marriage or the kids part – I still think I’m 26 and that’s young – but, they’re in relationships. They’re literally in love. I envy that. I spend most of my day hating people for walking too slow on the way to work or for jumping on the tube before me in rush hour, or for standing so close to me while I’m pressed up against the glass of the tube with a hunchback because they’re taller and I don’t want their armpit in my face.
These people I didn’t give a shit about in high school are now more socially successful than me, and all I’ve grown since high school is bitter.
Take today; I met up with an old flame – well, technically not, we had a few dates 2 years ago after meeting on tinder and then his visa ran out and he moved back to America (I know, likely story; wasn’t actually a brush off tho, totally true), anyway – and I swear, I spent almost the entire time talking about the inequality of men vs women with the hot topic of the recent experimental study into a male contraception.
Now, I’m not entirely sure why I didn’t think this would be something men don’t want to talk about, much less find attractive, but the only excuse I have here is that it genuinely didn’t occur to me that it would be anything other than an open dialogue about a relevant to our society subject.
Turns out, shockingly, guys don’t want to talk about this. Bringing up the double standards isn’t something they were aware of or want to address. The response was “just, don’t take it then” when mentioning that the effects this study had on men and the reasons it was stopped is the effects the contraceptive pill has on women anyway, so why did they stop this one and not the female one. Men (or, the ones I’ve so far encountered with this topic) don’t care. They’ve all, so far, said “I wouldn’t expect a woman to take it if it did this” which is a nice thought, until I remember that this guy in particular asked me “are you on the pill?” before trying to sleep with me without a condom “because it feels better”. He had no clue, until this (male) study, of the side effects of the pill. And until this study, he didn’t care to wonder.
My friend tonight said he would have to read the (male) study in order to determine whether my frustration was justified. To which I asked him if he was also going to read the original female study in order to have the thorough context. His response was “I’m probably not going to read either.” But continued to argue that he didn’t need to read the female one because “it was like 50 years ago and we’ve moved on from then”. Yea, no, we haven’t.
It’s taken half a century to consider a male contraceptive pill/injection in order to share the responsibility of this mutual act. Condoms, obviously, are the number one choice and should always be used unless trying for a child, but expecting a woman to host the burden of preventing a child by taking a pill every morning or going to the doctors surgery every few months to prevent an unwanted pregnancy is, hopefully to all, ridiculous! WHY must I change chemicals in my body so that we BOTH do not have a child? WHY must I prevent my natural reproductive system from going about its natural functions, like a mans, in order to stop us BOTH from having a child? Why do I have to change my body in one way so that it won’t change in the other? Seriously, why the fuck must I carry this burden, when we’re both having sex?!
I left my friend after 5 hours (of drinking) and walked home thinking ‘omg, I could’ve got laid tonight if I’d kept my mouth shut and talked about whatever he wanted to talk about..’
In the 15 minutes it took to walk from where I said bye to him to my flat I realised I didn’t want to sleep with anyone who doesn’t agree with me on this topic.
As drastic as that may sound – and as single as I’m going to be for a long time with that viewpoint – I actually didn’t care.
I don’t care if that’s not going to get me laid, or even a relationship in the near future at all, I don’t want to give my body to any man that doesn’t agree that we share the burden of that act with me.
I’m not on the pill, and I no longer have the coil. I’m chemical free for my sanity, since the pill fucked with my head, and condoms are the way forward. But I’ll not touch a guy that doesn’t see how important and devastating this study being stopped and the dialogue being shut down is.
As I was looking at my old high school classmates profiles I realised this, and when I did, I stopped giving a shit that they seem to have their shit together while I ‘don’t‘. I have my values exactly where I want them. And if it takes the next half a century to find a guy that shares those, then I’m glad I carried them with me to find the right one for me.