If you are single during this global pandemic I can only imagine you and your single friends have been doing the same as me and mine… hitting the dating apps.
We started off on the free ones we’d been playing with for years. We’re talking Hinge for me, Bumble for one of my girls, and Tinder for another close friend of mine.
Hinge then turned to Bumble when my Bumble-girl (as I’m calling her for this post) told me about all the fun she was having on that site, and I was getting bored of Hinge – so I moved over to Bumble.
I’d already been sent a message on Hinge from a guy I went on one date with last year, which ended with me drunkenly flying off the bed and finding it hilarious… and him not finding it funny at all (clearly not my soulmate because that was friggin’ funny). He messaged on Hinge and I had to ask if he remembered me because “we’ve already slept together”. Turns out he did remember me, and him not laughing at me flying off the bed was him being polite apparently – personally, I find that boring, not polite because I was crying laughing. He wanted to see if we could try again; obviously since we were in a global pandemic and world-wide lockdown he thought he’d just go back to someone he’s already slept with. I told him I really don’t give second chances, since he’d blatantly deleted my number the last time, and he told me he lost his phone blah blah yea yea. Anyway, I knew he was lying but who was I kidding, I also wanted to just get laid; it had been 4 months since I’d had sex and lockdown was driving me crackers. I told him let’s just leave the door open and see.
Cut to a day later and we matched on Bumble. I opened with telling him to just text me and gave him my number. Cue him trying to woo me for a week and then us meeting up as soon as the government announced that we are allowed to bubble with one household where the person lives alone – he lives alone in a million pound house he owns, so the timing was perfect.
I went round, we had a really lovely day, I slept over, the sex was crap, I left the next day. So endeth our love affair, but we both got what we wanted so no harm there.
While texting Millionaire (his nickname), I was also messaging an army guy and a guy that looked like my neighbour and sounded like Jamie Oliver. The army guy was the fittest from his pics so I wanted to meet him next, which I did, and we had a boring nothing-ness date. Jamie Oliver guy had the best chat, was the most persistent and seemed like he ticked every damn box I never knew I had. I met him last and was completely blown away by how perfect our date was. I’ve never in my life had a more perfect first date, and he felt the same. We had everything in common and the chemistry was insane, we also had absolutely no clue what time it was the entire date – it was perfect.
Suffice to say this relationship didn’t last. We dated for 7 weeks, I was starting to get serious feelings for him, and by week 5 he was starting to pull back. To be honest I’m still sad about this one ending, but alas it wasn’t to be. He was still on the dating apps and I was falling for him, so I had to cut it and we ended with him agreeing that it wasn’t fair on me to try and connect with him not being around much – literally, this is probably my most upsetting breakup in 13 years, it was the potential and the fact I was falling more than him that is sad for me.
So, since my friends told me he was a w*nker for not being so grateful to have me and everything else your friends are supposed to say, I went off Bumble (after seeing his profile) and went back on Hinge (and saw his profile on there too…he really was keeping his options open the whole time). I then matched the next day with a really tall guy (6’5) who seemed nice.
Me and 6’5 have been chatting for about 2 weeks now and he’s way more quiet than I’m used to. I ask all the questions and when I call him up on that he immediately apologises and asks me loads of questions, he seems nice though so we’ll see. I’ve lost hope in all of this since Jamie Oliver guy.
Ooh but I did go on the worlds worst date last week. The guy seemed hilarious on Hinge and in text but when we met….wow. I’ve had more success getting dogs to speak to me than I had with this guy, crikey! He also seemed completely shocked that I wanted to end the date which threw me, had he not been on this awkward date too?! Anyway, this has contributed to my lack of faith in dating apps and men, but with this in mind my Bumble-girl and I realised (while completely hammered this weekend) that the guys that are serious about dating must be on the apps you pay for, so…
Cut to me paying for a dating app for 6 months, using it for 1 hour and realising there’s a reason these guys are paying for a dating app.
I am by no means the prettiest picture in the gallery, but I do want to be attracted to the guy I’m hoping to date….my type is not on eHarmony, sorry! £180 to finally see their pictures and you have the audacity to shame me for cancelling – they take £65 off you and refuse to refund it by the way so DO NOT SIGN UP TO eHarmony!! It’s a total scam and I’m sure what they’re doing is illegal.
I sent a video of my matches to Bumble-girl and she hasn’t stopped laughing.
So here’s my rundown of dating apps in lockdown:
- Hinge – this one is my favourite, the guys seem more serious and the app itself is user friendly and doesn’t force you to pay to see anything, you can just pay if you want. 8/10
- Bumble – this is my second favourite, I’m not a fan of contacting the guy first but the prompts they give make it way easier for ice breakers. 7/10
- Tinder – only fuckboys are using this app, don’t bother, unless you just want to get laid! 3/10
- eHarmony – complete scam! They make you do a full questionnaire thing before you can even browse the site, and then you can’t see any photos until you pay….the price is extortionate! Oh and that questionnaire you did, that’s the £65 they won’t refund you and didn’t tell you you’d be charged for. £179 for 6 months and you have to pay upfront or they’ll add £3 a month on top of that to pay monthly! They’re also rude when you try to cancel, honestly the entire site is a scam, don’t use it! 0/10
- Match.com – there really is nothing special about this site in the slightest, I wouldn’t bother. 1/10
So there’s me, trying to date in lockdown. I’m assuming all you single ladies out there have had the same amount of luck in this area as me, but if you’ve found some magical dating land and would love to read about a success story on here then please send me the exact location in the comments because as much as I’m losing hope in dating sites and losing faith in men, I haven’t lost the desire to find love.
xxHBxx
hopeberry: from darkness with love 